After her last email I let a week go by and then write back. I actually have nothing to say; without a script I’ve been scrambling for things to talk about. I don’t know what I’m hoping for, actually. What I do know is that if I can’t get Staci to write me a terrible, hackneyed poem, then I will. So I do, and I’m proud of how atrocious it is, thank you very much. I send it. A month goes by and I give up on hearing from her again. I get the idea to write about what happened between the two of us and put it online. I start going back and looking through our emails. And then, out of nowhere, Staci writes me.
For 37 days my email sat in her inbox. Had she been rereading it? Or just looking at the subject line as she scrolled past to emails from other old men? How many other emails from me did she keep? The biggest question of course is, why? What was it about our relationship that meant so much to her? And how do you find an answer when there is no “her”?
Staci is pretend, a figment of someone’s imagination; she was created to steal and to trick the gullible and greedy. To try and peel back the mask and look into the man or woman who created her is as pointless an act as the ancient astronomers who thought they could peel back the night sky and see the machinery that runs the stars. There is no edge to lift up; the gears and cogs we believe lay under the surface exist only in our minds.
If you chart out the 9,300-plus words in Staci and my emails, “know” and “want” show up as the two most commonly used. That we both wanted something was never in doubt; that we were hunting for understanding and insight doesn’t surprise me either. As subjective as our truth may have been, in the end each of us had to settle on something. Staci decided that our relationship was real — so real that it somehow superseded the con that she herself created.
In her final email she may have been trying to reignite that con. But when she also writes that, “you are a good man and you dont deserve to be alone and i pray god will be with you,” I think that Staci — whatever that word describes — really means it. She is a lie but her words are the truth. Her truth. But real just the same.
After Staci’s final email I thought for a few days about what I wanted to say to her. I never wrote back.
2 emails
from ———— <------------@gmail.com>
to staci martin
date Sun, Apr 6, 2008 at 10:31 PM
subject my poem about you
mailed-by gmail.com
Hello. I guess you found another place to live. I still have not found a person to live in my room. I didn’t try to find someone for a long time after what happened with you and I. I have very bad memoriies of those days.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t think I ever wll. When you sent me your picture I tghought I knew somthing from your face. I thought I saw creativity and a person full of art. Now I know you’re not that. Tht’s OK! I really mean that! You are who you are. I am OK with that now!
I wish you good luck. I hope you have found a nice place to live. I bet you have! I still think you are a good person! I know other people will see that too. I’m sad that it didn’t happen for you and I. I wanted you to be my friend. I needed a friend to live with me.
Maybe you remember that I’m a director at the Portland Poetry Foundation? At our next meeting I’m going to be reading a new poem. It’s about you. It’s about how sad I am that we didn’t not liv together.
Wish upon a star
Your eyes, full of life
Singing in your special way
I sang with you
But only for a short
Time.
Our paths were interwoven
We were destined to meet
But like strangers on a dark street
We passed by
Alone.
Now we have our own lives
And the memories of what
Might have been.
Two friends who never met
Lost
But still remembering.
from staci martin
to ———— <------------@gmail.com>
date Mon, May 12, 2008 at 7:18 AM
subject RE: my poem about you
mailed-by hotmail.com
well thaks for your cares about me ok i really appreciate you very very much i wish i should live with you but destini will not alow us,well you are a good man and you dont deserve to be alone and i pray god will be with you.
my laptop crsh that is why have been able to reply your mail ok am sorry about that well i think if god want us see will eachother i that is going to happen but for me i want to see you have been paying my shippert exra money to keep my load with him all this why cos i not find a place to leave cos no money i dont want to ask my uncle anything again so am here now but if you really want me to come and stay with you i be glad to hear that but i dont want to incovenice you take care bye
staci
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